


Hey is for Horses

by Chocoaddict



Series: Guys With Thighs Save Lives (KFC is not the center of romance) [2]
Category: EXO (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Crack, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, aka how many references can we make to stuff luhans in, dont expect an epic romance from this, excessive usage of the acronym kfc, it is all awkwardness and sarcasm, kfc is the devil, this is one hundred percent crack, this was only written bc luhan is plastered all over kfc ads in china
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 08:52:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14638392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocoaddict/pseuds/Chocoaddict
Summary: In which Taehyung experiences the pains of both a blessing and a curse: his very generic and very boring soulmark.





	Hey is for Horses

**Author's Note:**

> (set in the same universe as guys with thighs save lives)
> 
> just a fair warning: i was never really into exo and that's pretty apparent from the way i write luhan in this fic  
> also, be prepared for a lot of dramatics. a lot.
> 
> this is most definitely the crackiest fic i've ever written and it is not romantic in the slightest; i literally only wrote this because luhan was literally everywhere in the ads in beijing and i saw him on the kfc ads and i was like this is beautiful and this fic was born. and also because my best friend kept repeating the phrase "you'll never understand the pain of a blessing and a curse" and my mind somehow jumped to taehyung and luhan. so yeah. lmao

Taehyung is a firm believer in fate. And based on the events of the past 24 hours, he's concluded that KFC is the center of love.

How can it not be, when literally everyone he knows has somehow found their soulmate there? And all within the span of a single day? He’s totally not feeling left out at all. Totally.

So one thing leads to another and he’s now widely known as that One Mcdonald's Employee That Lurks in KFC. It's not like he meant to become some kind of cryptid, okay? He just goes to KFC. A lot. Like maybe “a lot” as in asking for bathroom breaks every hour and 17 minutes and 38 seconds (he calculates his schedule out very precisely to prevent suspicion) and brushing his teeth in the KFC bathroom at 2 am before he has to head back to his shared apartment with Jimin and sleep. Thank god for 24 hour fast food restaurants. He's on a first name basis with all the employees and Jin sneaks him free chicken thighs from time to time. If he's lucky, Jin even sticks in an ice cream cone or two.

It gets so bad that Jimin tries to stage an intervention.

“I literally haven't seen you in 36 hours, Tae. You've been here for four of Jin’s shifts!” Jimin slams his palms on the table Taehyung is currently occupying in a way he probably thinks is intimidating. It's really not.

Taehyung ignores him in favor of typing a few choice lines for his essay.

“Kim Taehyung.” Jimin brings his face very close to his, and glares. Taehyung takes it all back. Jimin is a legitimately terrifying 5 foot 6 inch human being.

“You don't understand!” He whines, and slumps unattractively over the table. The table is his. His buttcheeks are probably permanently glued to the same spot by now. “KFC is essential to my livelihood! There's too much at stake here.”

“Like hm, I don’t know, your _health_?” Jimin replies sarcastically. There’s a limit to things but sometimes Taehyung doesn’t quite stop at those limits. Like that one time he raised ten cats in his dorm in freshman year until he got ratted out by some asshole on the same floor. Cat haters aren’t human, he thinks disgustedly as he looks back on the incident. Snitches get stitches.

He’s distracted again but Jimin snaps his fingers in front of his eyes and he’s pulled out of his revenge plans. “Hello? Are you even listening?”

“Yeah, totally,” he laughs, which is one hundred percent fake, “Say, what was the name of that guy in freshman year again? The demon one?”

“The demon one? Oh, you mean Inho, right? The one who ratted you out to the RA?” Jimin’s temporarily thrown off the rails from his original purpose but he quickly catches himself. “Hey! Nice try, but you’re not getting off easy from this one. I’m telling you, just go home. Aren’t you tired of fried chicken by now?” He nudges Taehyung’s laptop. “Plus, you have a final coming up.”

This makes Taehyung shoot up in his seat. “Oh my god! You’re right!” He frantically starts shoving things into his backpack and blindly pats around the table for his pens. They’re rainbow and losing a single color’s gonna mess it up. “Fuck fuck fuck I haven’t started studying yet.” The frenzied process continues as Taehyung mutters expletives under his breath about how fucked he is while dashing around KFC looking for the things he’s inconveniently misplaced (and definitely not lost).

All the while, Jimin just stands and watches, shaking his head like the great, helpful friend he is. “Hurry up,” he even complains loudly, “I have a date to get to.”

Taehyung sticks out his tongue childishly in reply, not bothering to give a verbal response. Jungkook and Jimin are a disgustingly sweet couple and he rues the day he sent Jimin out for chicken thighs. He rolls his eyes when Jimin doesn’t even notice, since he’s too busy texting someone who is most definitely Jungkook. Kids these days, he thinks, shaking his head.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming!”   

* * *

It’s go time. Taehyung’s currently running on fumes and his final is in exactly 15 minutes and he only has 10 minutes to get there. He slings his backpack on his shoulder, hops on his OFO bike, shoves his earbuds in, and exercises a level of multitasking on a college student can reach. He holds his phone in one hand, which is playing Miss Granny, one of his favorite movies, and in the other hand he holds the bike handles as he tries to abide to safety rules and not run anyone over.

Unfortunately for him, road safety isn’t on the agenda for today.

He’s speeding on his bike but also trying to finish watching Miss Granny to feel alive and stay awake while also internally reciting the facts he memorized for the biology final. He also hasn’t slept in over 40 hours.

The crash is inevitable.

“Hey!” Someone shouts, as Taehyung looks up from his phone just in time to swerve his bike in the other direction. He narrowly misses crashing into someone by a hair. But he continues pedaling rapidly, feeling a twinge of guilt as he looks over his shoulder at the person he knocked over.

The guy is on the ground, legs sprawled out in a painful position, staring back at Taehyung with wide, indignant eyes. He's cute but Taehyung barely has time to register that as he screams an apology. What he means to say is “Sorry! I'll take you to the hospital when I've finished my final!” but what really comes out is “Sorry! The vas deferens carries the spermatozoa from the epididymis to ejaculatory duct!” because he isn’t as great of a multitasker as he thought he was.

Why is he riding a bike, reciting facts, _and_ watching a movie at the same time, which is completely unnecessary, you ask? Because. Because he's a goddamn procrastinator and he's definitely going to fall asleep biking if he doesn't have something interesting to focus on. But that's beside the point.

The point is—what he actually says only processes when he's right in front of the science building and he stops what he's doing. Literally just stops. The brakes on the bike screech to a halt and he just sits there. No. There’s no way that he'd just embarrassed himself by reciting dick facts to a complete stranger. No way.

Horror grips his body—he’s done. Absolutely done for. His life is a tragedy in four acts. This is even worse than the final he’s about to take. He's definitely not going back and taking the stranger to the hospital. Nope, scratch that. He can never face that guy again. Never look anyone in the eye for the rest of his life. He's going to drop out of college and become a hermit. That's it. It's all over.

And then his phone lights up with a notification and he automatically glances down to check it. The numbers 2:45 scream at him from the screen. Running on pure adrenaline and instinct, he jumps from the bike and hauls ass to take his final, trying to shove anything unrelated to biology out of his brain.

Great. Taehyung’s 99.879% sure he failed the final. All he did for the first 15 minutes was stare blankly at the test paper as the words “the vas deferens carries the spermatozoa from the epididymis to ejaculatory duct” echoed repeatedly in his mind. He'd only snapped out of it when the person next to him let out a nervous fart. Thank the deities he'd barely managed to finish the test on time. He's not sure how this day could get any worse. Heaving a sigh, he stretches and looks up towards the sky. His finals are all over, at least, so a huge weight’s been lifted off his shoulders. Right. He's not gonna let a stupid slip of the tongue ruin his day. He's gonna go home and sleep for 24 hours straight and then he's gonna go out with The Gang for some celebratory KFC and milkshakes.

But as he lifts his arm to grab his phone to send an extremely sleep deprived text to the group chat, he catches a flash of color out of the corner of his eye. Robin egg blue his brain immediately supplies, because he spends way too much time looking at color palettes. Pausing, he examines it closer, because he doesn’t remember using any paint or markers earlier. And lo and behold: the word “hey” is there, clear as day, in that robin egg blue.

Everything inside him freezes. Again. Is it possible to have heart failure twice in one day? Because he's setting records here.

He'd met his soulmate. The guy he nearly ran over with his bike who had shouted “hey” is his soulmate and he _doesn't even really remember what he looks like_. All hope and joy and relief inside him withers away. The soft light of the setting sun vanishes into darkness. All meaning drains away from his life. Because, goddamnit, he’d sat in KFC for weeks, just to meet his soulmate at the most inconvenient time where he was at his worst.

He refuses to accept the past three hours. They’re cancelled. Soulmates are officially cancelled. Reality is a mere illusion.

His fingers are already punching in one of the phone numbers he knows by heart. It rings for a long, long time before there’s finally an answer. “Hel—”

“JIMIN." He half screeches, half wails into the phone, “I MISSED HIM. I SHAMED MYSELF IN FRONT OF HIM. I GIVE UP ON SOULMATES. THEY'RE JUST A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT CREATED BY CAPITALISM TO MAKE US PERPETUATE THE MONEY WE FEED INTO ROMANCE.”

“Wait what? Tae, slow down. What happened?”

“Oh, is that Taehyung?” He hears Jungkook say in the background. “Yeah.” Jimin responds, turned away from the phone.

Oh yeah. He'd nearly forgotten they were doing one of Jimin’s romantic 100 dates thing. “Sorry to interrupt," he says guiltily.

“It's ok, Tae,” Jimin soothes in a sweet voice, “just tell us what happened. I’m putting you on speaker.”

“Okay.” Taehyung sniffs, feeling a lot calmer after hearing his best friend. “I met my soulmate but I nearly ran him over with my bike and I embarrassed myself and I don't even remember what he looks like. How am I supposed to go on now? How can I go to work when my body’s just rotting away?”

“Wait wait wait, back up. Did you just say you met your soulmate?” Jimin asks incredulously.

“ _Yes_ , and I’ve lost him! I don’t know what he looks like and I said something super dumb and now he’s gonna hate me forever. That’s if I even see him again.” Taehyung lies down on the ground because life is shitty and he’s sleep deprived.

“Deep breaths, Tae.” Jimin reminds, and Taehyung exhales slowly. “Soulmate meetings can be really awkward and weird at first but they always work out. Trust me, I know.” In the background, Jungkook snorts loudly. “Anyway,” he continues, “the guy you met was your soulmate. You’re going to see him again, I know it. You can just explain the situation to him next time, alright? It’s going to be fine. Promise. Now go take a nap because you really need one.”

“Okay,” Taehyung says quietly, hopefully; because he’s really just a romantic at heart. “Thanks, Jimin. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, of course.” He can hear the smile in Jimin’s voice.

“Don’t have _too_ much fun on your date,” he teases, and hangs up before Jimin can respond with a curse.

It’ll work out, he tells himself. The soft summer breeze ruffles his hair and a flower petal floats to the ground in front of him.   

* * *

KFC, in fact, is not the center of love, Taehyung learns. It’s McDonald’s.

Because who else steps into McDonald’s at 3 A.M. when Taehyung’s just about to end his shift? His soulmate, that’s who.

“You—” The guy starts, eyes wide. His eyes flicker inadvertently to his soulmark.

“Oh, _shit_.” Taehyung can just barely make out the words “vas deferens” on the guy's arm and he wants to jump off a bridge. Reflexively, he dives under the counter. He was not ready.

“Um,” His soulmate’s voice sounds above him, “are you okay?”

“Totally. I’m great. Just having a grand ol’ time hanging out on the floor. Everything’s good.” Taehyung tries not to let his shame bleed through his words.

“Er, so can I order?” Wow. Taehyung’s soulmate is an absolute angel. He’s not even freaked out by Taehyung’s impulsiveness. He takes a deep breath and jumps back onto his feet like nothing happened. The McDonald’s visor sits slightly askew on his head but he ignores it.

“Hi, welcome to McDonald’s, how can I help you?” He smiles as widely and as pleasantly as possible. He is a functioning adult. Yup. (Just kidding he’s totally not because his soulmate is _very_ cute and oddly familiar).

“Yeah, can I get a six chicken nuggets, fries, and a McFlurry?” The guy orders without missing a beat.

“Six chicken nuggets, fries, and a McFlurry coming right up.” Taehyung turns around to busy himself with the order, grateful for something else to focus on. But he’s very, very aware of his soulmate standing just right in front of the counter as he tries to get the Oreos into the McFlurry and it’s very, very awkward.

He’s halfway through with his order when he realizes something very important and possibly life changing. “You’re the guy who’s in all the KFC ads now!” He suddenly whirls around and points at his soulmate with a plastic spoon.

It’s scary, really, watching the life drain out of his soulmate’s face. “Yup, that’s me,” he says in the deadest voice ever. “The KFC guy. Woohoo.”

“Oh, sorry, did you not want anyone to know?” Taehyung can’t help but feel like he’s messed up way too many times now.

“Nah, it’s alright, I just don’t like KFC.” His soulmate gives him a pained smile. “I’m Luhan, by the way. Thanks for not killing me with your bike, I guess.”

“I’m Taehyung! Sorry for hitting you with my bike. I was trying to get to my bio final and shit happens when you’re sleep deprived. Did you get hurt?” Guilt’s been consuming him ever since he knocked Luhan over with his bike but he’s never had the chance to make it up.

“I’m okay, just a little roughed up.” There’s a few bandaids on Luhan’s knees and Taehyung bites his lip. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s alright, we’ve all got those days, you know? I guess that explains the whole sexual reproduction thing.” Luhan’s tone is dry and mirthful and Taehyung relaxes slightly.

“You know, the funny thing is, I used to stay in KFC all the time so I could find my soulmate. But you’re here.” He gestures helplessly at Luhan, still clutching the plastic spoon.

Luhan’s mouth quirks up slightly. “The irony, huh.”

“Oh! Here’s your meal.” He grabs the tray and hands it to him. “The apple pie’s on the house. As an apology.”

“Thanks.” Luhan half-smiles and as he takes it from him their fingers brush. It’s literally one of the oldest cliché’s in the book but that doesn’t stop Taehyung’s heart from speeding up like the traitor it is.

Luhan doesn’t say much else after that and just quietly eats his food. It’s very anticlimactic and not at all what he expected. After Jimin and Jungkook’s disastrous meeting, this just feels like a little coffee shop meet cute. Taehyung resigns himself to creeping on his soulmate while pretending to clean up. There’s not much productivity on the cleaning end.

“You will never understand the pain of a blessing that feels like a curse,” says Taehyung in a tortured voice as he stares at Luhan’s ass from behind the McDonald’s counter.

Very slowly, like horror movie slowly, Luhan turns around. “Boy, don’t talk to me about blessings that feel like a curse,” he agonizes as he hysterically waves his for life certificate to KFC, “You haven’t experienced true hell until you’ve had KFC for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 3 months straight. I throw up a little whenever I see a chicken now.”

Taehyung stares. “Wow. Do you just, like, have that certificate on you all the time?”

Luhan looks straight at him with soulless eyes. “It's a reminder for myself. KFC is hell on earth.” He leans closer to Taehyung and hisses, slightly crazed—it’s kind of sexy, Taehyung thinks distractedly—, “The colonel is always watching. There's something about that smile that isn't right. He's hiding something.” Luhan makes a sign to ward off evil at the KFC across the street.

Solemnly, Taehyung places a hand on his arm. “I'm sorry for your loss.”

Luhan sighs heavily. “S’alright, man. It's a dog eat dog world out here.” He looks resigned to his fate.

“And here I thought I was gonna be the emotionally unstable one in the relationship,” Taehyung smirks, propping his head up on his palm.

That gets a laugh out of Luhan and he smiles, face lifting sweetly. “I think we'll get along just fine.”

* * *

 “Wasn’t it weird to grow up with that as your soulmark?” Taehyung later asks, peering curiously at the lavender-stained words.

“I just thought it was a really shitty pick up line," Luhan says bluntly.

“Oh my _god_.” He buries his face in his hands as Luhan’s gentle laugh fills the air.

**Author's Note:**

> my brain @ me: how 'bout you procrastinate for finals by finishing a draft you've had in your folder for a year
> 
> me @ my brain: sounds like a bad idea but ok
> 
> ft. luhan is Tired and satan!kfc 
> 
> (no really kfc is a demon europe's kfc has an orient menu and it's not doing anyone any favors)


End file.
